Week 2 by Les Grossman

[Les Grossman]

I would have gotten this out on the wire earlier, but my firm had to save a young Tennessee coach from a gang of toothless some*****es carrying torches and wearing confederate flag capes. I told Lane we shouldn't have eaten at the Cracker Barrell. On to this weeks extra points;

Dan Hawkins is ****ed. Saying that is like saying lead in toys and toothpaste is bad, but you might as well set that guy on a pinball table, have a guy stand watch, and rock the mother****ing jukebox. And why is that everytime I look at the guy I feel like he should be chasing Jamie Lee Curtis. His face is waxier than my Lambo before a night out on the town with Ted Kennedy, may he rest in peace. Pour out a little liquor. But still, I have a bone to pick with the MOTHER****ING BIG 12! WHY IS IT THAT YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT THAT LEAGUE OF UNDERACHIEVING COCKBASKETS IS TALKED UP LIKE THEY ARE ****ING GREEK MOTHER****ING GODS BEFORE THEY FALL ON THEIR FACES LIKE A BUNCH OF DRUNK INFANTS! HAS THE MEDIA NOT LEARNED THEIR LESSON FROM THOSE SALLYS UP NORTH IN THE BIG 10? BRADFORD HURTS HIMSELF, OU BLOWS MORMON, OKIE ST. GETS THUMPED BY MOTHER****ING HOUSTON, NOT THE TEXANS BUT THE GODDAMNED COUGARS! AND COLT McCOY LOOKS LIKE A MOGWAI. I WOULD RATHER WATCH McCOY AND JEWEL HAVE A TOOTH FIGHT THAN WATCH ANOTHER GAME FROM THAT OVERRATED PIECE OF MONKEY **** CONFERENCE!

Speaking of overrated pieces of monkey **** and spunk, Michigan St. just lost at home to what at one time used to be a high school team. I think I sent one of my sons there. I heard their fans were huffing and puffing all week about being good. Well, they might be good for the big 10, but good in the big 10 IS LIKE BEING RANKED TOP ****ING TEN IN THE PRISON CHESS LEAGUE! YOU MIGHT BE GOOD AT IT, BUT SERIOUSLY HOW GOOD DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE WHEN ALL YOUR OPPONENT IS DOING IS SCHEMING HOW HE CAN TURN HIS PAWN INTO A SHIV AND END YOUR MOTHER****ING LIFE!

Rick Neuheisel is easily becoming one of my all time favorite people ever. Guy likes to party,fight, gamble, womanize, throw his hands in the air after a six yard run, and gamble... and drink. He also told me if he had a chance to be sexual with another man it would without a doubt be Viggo Mortenson. I thought that was a pretty weird thing to say upon the first ten minutes of meeting someone, but who wouldn't want to **** Arogon... If you had to.

Till next week, fans. I have plans this night with Gene Hackman. I don't know if you all know this, but Gene Hackman is tougher in person than he was in Mississippi Burning. He can also down Scotch like water and pick up chicks like Johnny Depp dipped in Spanish fly. I worship the sonov*****.